After the hockey game tonight I went to Target with my friends Raphe and Whitney. We were originally dropping Whitney off to get her car but decided to grab some groceries. Why she was parked there I don't know. It's really a strange thing that we went there. As we headed to the checkout I looked ahead and saw a blonde girl and an obviously older blonde woman. After a moment I realized it was Angie Noack and her mom Carolyn. Angie just graduated from college and I wanted to go say hi and congratulations to her. I also wanted to say hello to her mom because ever since Christina and I stopped talking I haven't got to interact with her. Carolyn is a great woman and I loved our talks. I was excited to talk to them. As I began to step forward I stopped when I peaked around them to see another blonde.

The blonde moved her head slightly and I froze as I realized it was Christina. It's been 9 months since we've communicated. Probably a god 10 or 11 months since I had seen her. Instantly I saw my friends take the other lane. I followed. I didn't know what to do, say, think. I told them discretely that Christina was in the next lane. As I said this Raphe looked at me and said "Don't look behind me..." He clearly hadn't heard me. I looked back to make sure. It was them. I didn't make any eye contact. So I just talked to my friends.

I think I spoke loudly. Raphe said I was yelling when we got outside. I just talked to the lady ringing me up and then we walked out. I knew the Noacks (Angie, Carolyn, Christina) were right behind us. I know they saw and heard me. They must have. So we left. I told Raphe he should go say hi to Angie since I knew he'd like to. But he didn't know Angie was there. He only saw Christina. (Raphe doesn't like Christina. He dislikes maybe 3 people on earth and she is one of them). He declined.

I wanted them to see me. I wanted Christina to know it was me. I wanted her to see I still exist, that I'm happy, and to be reminded that I'm around, living my life, and that things aren't right between us. I want that to hit her so that she can move towards reconciling. I still care about us being reconciled. It's important to me and I'm still convicted the first step rests on her. Maybe a seed was planted. Maybe not. Maybe she didn't give it a thought. I don't know.

I've wondered about when we'd see each other. If we'd happen to stumble upon one another in public. I had thought about what I'd do if it happened. what I'd say. Then it happened, unexpectedly, and I didn't face her. I feel a bit cowardly to be honest. At the same time, maybe this is what was needed. I don't know. I don't want to give it much thought because it's not worth thinking on much. 

A few hours after the fact I realize that we're two people who once were close and now are completely removed from one another. We live in the same city, the same world. But that's it. We're no closer than any other person I might run into or see at Target on a Saturday night. It sucks that things aren't right between us, and maybe things will always be this way. Even though I've known it, I know it a bit more right now that I just have to live in this world, as it is, where we are nothing to one another. We might see one another randomly, but it won't mean anything until she makes it mean something. That's that. So as I go to bed I say goodbye to the thoughts I had tonight about what I could have said or done, about what she might or might not be thinking or feeling, about reconciliation. I say goodbye to those thoughts and i accept the world I live in, knowing I'm blessed, happy, and excited for a new day tomorrow in which I have the opportunity to love the people I know and don't yet know. I expect nothing in regards to Christina and I have no pain about it even though the desire for things to be mended always exists deep down. But that's where it must exist, deep down.

I'm at peace. God be with us all. Thank you for everything.

I have a lot of emotions and desires swirling about within me lately. Like leaves and tree crumbs caught in a summer whirl wind that has traveled across the the west side parking lot to the sidewalk on the other side of the street. It's too small to be a tornado but it sure can move those fallen bits up and down in circles as though they were dancing for their very existence.

I miss being in love. I'm not desperately craving it. I'm not sunk in a lonely depression. It's not like that at all. But, I miss being in love. I miss tender moments with someone. I miss the opportunities to overcome pain by living into the commitments I have learned to make as a result of past mistakes. I miss discovering someone and being supported by them. I want to be enamored again. 

I don't know that I can rightly describe myself as lonely. Lacking, perhaps, but not lonely. I am not left by my lonesome. I am surrounded on all sides by many who care for me and nurture me. I'm richly blessed with friends. I'm constantly happy. My days are filled with enjoyment thanks to the people God has put in my life.

My nights, on the other hand, hold far too much quiet and stillness in their grasp. There is an unavoidable counseling session with myself each night in which I poke and prod my inner most being. I can watch television or movies until my eyes can't stay open but there's no way to avoid the self-reflection. Some tell me the ability to examine myself in this way is a gift, but I feel like it's a prison sometimes. I can't escape the questions of "How do I feel right now? Why do I feel that way? What now?" I know it's good. When you're lonely though, it's hard.

And I know I said I'm not lonely but what I meant is I'm not suffering loneliness. At night I am lonely. I lay in my bed and I'm lonely. I watch heart wrenching shows without someone to share them with and I'm lonely. I have thoughts that need a sounding board and I'm lonely because that does't exist for me in the way I want.

I'm not in pain. I'm not crying. I'm just not accompanied and I'm not in love. My affections aren't rampant. My joy isn't held in one woman's smile or touch. That's all. And that's a big thing to not have. It's huge. 

I want it. I miss it. But, I'm living without it and I'm trying to be content. 

I'm doing fine.

My future is open. I'm not still craving the love I once had. I'l never want that again. I want something more. I realize now that I've only had glimpses, like a kid peeking through a fence with a sliver of wood missing between two planks. What I know of love and intimacy, of deep fellowship and romance, is like what that kid sees. I tried to see unending love and the sun was in my eyes. I'm eager for the day when I meet the woman who walks close enough to me so that the sun disappears behind her and I'm able to see over the fence. I'm excited for that time. In my soul's depths I cry for such love. 

Though, I am thankful for what I have. 

There are moments when I forget that. I call those moments loneliness. Maybe it is appropriate because it is those moments that I've lost sight of the blessings around me I call friends and of the God who gave them to me. Loneliness looks at the self and can see little to nothing else. It thinks it sees a void but that's because the eyes aren't looking outward but rather inward, and when the eyes look in the opposite direction of the shining light it can only see darkness, self, loneliness. 

When I remember this, I choose to not be lonely but to be thankful and look outward. This thankfulness fills me with hope because it reminds me that there is a good God who has my best interest at heart and he is moving me towards all the things that are perfect for me and for my betterment. Some day that may include a woman. Until then, it includes everything I need and nothing I don't. A perfect generosity is before me. To feel lonely in that knowledge is impossible. Only gratitude can exist in such a wonderful place.

These words have been in my head today. I had to put them down in some fashion. It's not impressive but at least it's visible now.